Monday was my 35th birthday. I’m calling this birthday a mid-life crossing, although I’ve been told it’s actually a bit premature to call thirty-five mid-life. Nevertheless, it is the first time in my life that I’ve looked into the future and instead of the never-ending rambling road of infinity, I see the hazy outline of a blood orange sunset lingering on the horizon. I’ll be honest, I freaked out a little when this realization hit me (I’ve never been a nail biter but maybe the late night Skittle cravings are my metaphorical nails). I’ve always, up until now, considered tomorrow part of my forever and suddenly my ‘forever young’ has been replaced with finitude.

The freak-out was several weeks ago. Since then, time has hovered at my shoulders like the cloying scent of overmisted perfume. I’ve bounced between feeling panicked for all the years that seem, in retrospect, to have flown by with the speed of a New York taxi cab and feeling euphoric for all that has filled those years. I’ve felt the squeeze of time in thinking about the things I once dreamed of accomplishing and all the things still to be accomplished.  I’ve felt moments of soul-touched happiness watching my kids and thinking how full and blessed and amazing my life is just as it is and that should all else disappear, I still have these three shining bundles of energy. I’ve had crashing moments of melancholy walking downstairs in the morning and seeing old travel books of destinations yet unknown stacked on my entryway table.

For the first time I’m thinking about things that have never concerned me like age and growing older. I’ve always shunned the idea that age is something to fear and yet, as with most things in life, you can’t judge it until you’ve experienced it. Though thirty-five may seem extremely young to some, or ancient to others, to me it ripples in the wind as the precipice of one life-leap to another.  It’s been a personal jolt of awareness in my life. In some ways, I feel like it’s blown away a mist that has been shrouding my vision and I’m now looking straight ahead with clear, unimpeded 20/20 vision. As with most changes in life, it has brought both the good and the bad but, as with most changes in life, it is forcing me into a new level of awareness both of myself and the world. Although I often struggle through these times - times of change - I find that once I’ve crossed the channel, I feel light and renewed and stronger.

So, I’m accepting age as a blessing because all uncertainty and fear aside, it’s brought with it years of wisdom learned from heartache and happiness, struggle and success and all the other aching pains that accompany the growing process. At thirty-five I finally feel like I’m beginning to truly stretch into my own skin. I know things - irrevocably know things - about myself; like I love coffee and would curl up and whimper like a kitten if today all manufacturing of coffee were to cease; like I have an irrational, obsessive love of books; like I love sweets but hate the feeling that proceeds them and can often temper myself with the thought; like how I will never ever eat red meat; like how I love all things funky, turquoise, earthy and offbeat and will avoid any clothing that requires ironing, dry cleaning or pressing of any kind; like how I crave the country life but feel a little desolate without an Ulta, Bath and Body, or Starbucks within a stones throw. Or Whole Foods. Or Borders. Or Starbucks. Did I mention Starbucks?; like how completely dark rooms at night make me claustrophic and waking up in the morning cannot be rushed; like how I have a very competitive spirit and have to remind myself that the person getting on the treadmill next to me at the gym isn’t challenging me to a race; like how I deeply value independent thinkers and people with the courage to speak and live their beliefs even if it flows against the current; like how impatience is one of my least adorable traits and one I’m constantly working to improve; like how I often - embarrassingly - snort when laughing; like how I’ll probably change my hair color at least ten more times before I die; like the fact that I believe honesty is one of the most important and challenging values in life; like how I love humor but often forget my own and need my kids or the people around me to remind me.

These are just some of the things the wisdom of my years has taught me and I know in another thirty-five, I’ll be book worthy in my list. And that, as MasterCard would say, is priceless. It is priceless to know who you are and whose feet you stand on. So, I’m taking this mid-life crossing and I’m embracing it  “arms wide open” as Creed croons. If I have one hope for the future, it’s that I never stop changing. I hope I continue to try new things, to dream new dreams, to leave myself open like a blank slate to be greeted by new cultures and people and experiences. I hope that if there is one true deep value I’ve learned so far it’s to never allow myself to fall into a complacent pattern where change isn’t welcome. Though it often scares me to the core, I believe the process of change, the experience of tunneling through unchartered personal territory is possibly one of the most valuable lessons life has to offer. I’d rather wander the course and stroll in late leaving a zigzag trail behind me than walk a straight line, arrive first and never experience the journey. It may not be what’s expected, it may not be the way that is comfortable or easy, but it’ll be mine and I’ll be a better person for it.

Today, I’m thirty-five and two days old and eagerly anticipating the next thirty-five years and two days. And that, as a wise lady told me the other day, is called owning it.

And yes, pictures always make posts better so here are some fun (or funny) ones from the photo album.

My beautiful parents.

Here’s to smiling toothless gaps.

And to grandfathers whose love outweighed pride.

To all the endless sunny days and family gatherings…

To leaving bad haircuts behind and sweet pets who always played along…(Puffy my cat, a boy cat I might mention)

to all the adventures…

to four-legged friends who are no longer here and who were such a huge part of my life…

to first loves…

and to mountains conquered and mountains still to be conquered!!!!

and to my kids who constantly bring laughter to my days (that’s my son who greeted me after his nap today wearing his sister’s cheerleading costume)